Ten years ago today, on Memorial Day 2014, during the eve of the Follow the Sun music festival in Cedar Key, I quite literally followed the bright sweltering sun into the salty blue ocean by driving my shiny new gray Toyota Tacoma TRD Sport approximately 30 miles an hour off the public boat ramp and into the cool, dark waters of the Gulf of Mexico. It is a completely insane but totally true story.
I sometimes joke that I drove into the ocean and ended up in paradise since that is what inadvertently led me to my house and property on Tuscawilla, which I consider to be the love of my life, however, I say this facetiously as it is no laughing matter considering that I could have very easily killed myself or God forbid another human being. I have always taken this very seriously and committed myself to doing anything and everything in my power to ensure that this never, ever happens again considering that it was my own fault and negligence for allowing this to happen, and I typically pride myself on taking responsibility for my mistakes. I honestly do not even remember getting into my truck that evening once I left the Seabreeze restaurant. I do not remember turning the key or driving 30 mph off the public boat ramp considering that I was completely blacked out after drinking far too many deliciously fresh margaritas that were nearly 90% Patrone. I was not typically one to drink liquor, and I was definitely not one to drink and drive, so this was totally out of character for me. I was out of town, out of my mind, my friends that I thought were coming were not able to make it, and I planned on either pacing myself or sleeping in my truck which I had done a handful of times before, however, when you are in a blacked out, limbic state of being, there is no thinking, just mindlessly doing. I started to gain awareness when suddenly my lights were blinking, and water started to rapidly rise in my truck. I tried unsuccessfully to go in reverse, but it was too late; I was rapidly drifting off into the Gulf of Mexico. I also like to say that a guardian angel was looking out for me that fateful day, because if I was going the opposite direction that I thought I was going, then I would have driven off the road into the water where chances are likely that no one would have seen me. Instead, I drove off the public boat ramp at the end of the main drag in downtown Cedar Key at a time when the streets were lined with people leaving the bars and restaurants, so numerous people saw me and ran over to help me out and pull my truck out of the water. I will be eternally grateful to the kind soul who came up to my window, which I had rolled down by the grace of the gods, and who said to me, “Ma’am, I think you need to get out of your truck. Here, let me help you.” And to the handful of guys who pulled my truck back up the boat ramp. I surely looked like a spectacle standing there soaking wet in my sundress and sandals completely stunned by what had just transpired. It was a total blur and to this day does not even quite seem real, alas, when the Cedar Key Police flashing lights appeared and asked to have a word with me, this was a bit sobering, to say the very least. While I had enough sense to abstain from the breathalizer test, for some insane reason, I thought that I could pass the walking test no problem (not). It made no difference considering the fact that I reeked of alcohol and also naively told the police that yes, I might have had a few drinks. So off to the Levy County Jail I went for the night, and that was the beginning of a long, extremely expensive ordeal that included hiring an attorney and being on probation for a year with monthly trips to Bronson to visit with my PO there. I was quite frankly more than happy to be on probation for this cardinal sin that could have been deadly, not only to myself, but to others. It is truly a miracle that no one was harmed by my negligence, and I was mortified by this fact. It was extremely important for me to reset my neural pathways and to address any underlying issues so that this never, ever happened again. The powers that be were kind enough to grant me a hardship license so I could still drive to work, so I was able to stay in Micanopy as I did not want to move back to Gainesville where I lived for a couple decades, and where I still worked and owned a house. I was living in downtown Micanopy during this time for many roundabout reasons, but I longed to live on some acreage on the outskirts of town. After my “wet reckless” (the term used to refer to a first offense for driving under the influence when you are fortunate enough to hire a decent attorney who can negotiate a reduced sentence, not because I drove into the ocean ; ), my lease was set to expire so I had to decide to stay or where to go, so I started looking on Trulia for some better options, and this is when I found the Tuscawilla Treehouse, my forever home and the true love of my life. The year that I was on probation and stuck here on Tuscawilla sober and immersed in nature when I was not at work was one of the most magical times of my life. I felt truly alive, quite possibly for the first time since I was a child, to be perfectly honest. I always loved nature, hiking, camping, biking, swimming, jogging and the great outdoors, but I was never so tuned in to nature as I became during this time. I felt her healing powers and began to discover the incredible gifts of the vast array of flora and fauna that surrounded me. It was then that I began to become acquainted with our feathered friends, native wildflowers and other plants, trees and wildlife. It filled my heart, mind and soul, and I felt as if I had finally found my home in Micanopy and nature, albeit in a roundabout way, to say the very least. I wanted to share this most memorable story with you all today as I wanted to share with you the incredible gift and blessing that I have received in the past handful of years that was one of the missing links in my life and an underlying cause for my struggles with alcohol and also marijuana over the years. During the DUI class that was required for anyone with an alcohol related driving offense, the instructor stated that 80% of people who received one DUI were repeat offenders with two, three or multiple DUIs. I was determined to be the 20%. It was very easy that first year when I was on probation, of course, but once I did my time, I noticed that I started to fall back into some of the same old patterns, not with driving under the influence since I was typically not one to do that, but of overindulging on too many occasions. When my dear father suddenly departed this world on the 4th of July form cardiac arrest in 2016, I self-medicated and soothed my grieving with wine and weed, my soft drugs of choice. My father’s sudden death set off another inexplicably insane chain of events and a wild ride on the crazy train with a cast of characters and local nonprofit that is yet another story for a rainy day, or perhaps hurricane week, and that I am still trying to unpack, unfold and make sense of, alas, I digress. In 2018, during some rabbit hole research on health and nutrition, I came across Dr William Walsh and the Walsh Institute, which is a “ 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to unraveling the biochemistry of mental disorders and development of improved clinical treatments through scientific research and medical practitioner education. The organization was founded by William J. Walsh, PhD, FACN, an internationally recognized expert on biochemical imbalances, in 2008. “ https://www.walshinstitute.org/biochemical-individuality--nutrition.html https://www.walshinstitute.org/biochemical-individuality--nutrition.html I read Dr Walsh’s brilliant book, Nutrient Power, and from there I made the decision to get his recommended biochemical testing done, which I did through Mensah Medical out of the Chicagoland area, in conjunction with DHA labs. The biochemical testing is called Advanced Brain Chemistry, and I had this done in January 2019. The test results indicated that I am undermethylated, which is a genetic abnormality that results in low serotonin, dopamine and other neurotransmitters, and which can manifest as so-called mental health issues. I honestly prefer the term ‘biochemical imbalance’ than mental health disorder or mental illness, which is vague and misleading, particularly if one has an imbalance due to a genetic aberration and resulting nutrient deficiencies that lead to a lack of neurotransmitters and the like. Due to the fact that this underlying issue is genetic, unfortunately, it cannot be corrected from diet, drugs, surgery, etc., however, one can take nutrients to counterbalance the genetic lack thereof. Upon receiving the results that I was undermethylated, I also received a list of a handful of nutrients that could help me achieve a better biochemical balance. I have been taking the nutrient protocol for undermethylation ever since, and I have only missed a day or two on very rare occasions. I have noticed an incredible difference in my mental health and wellbeing overall, although I have been experiencing incredible trauma (which I mentioned previously and which I feel has been gender discrimination and gender-based violence in many ways) since 2016, and acute trauma since December 2020, so I have still been struggling in many ways and even more so on countless levels. Needless to say, I have not been black-out drunk one single time since I started the nutrient protocol and since 2019. It is now very easy for me to moderate or abstain. In spite of incredible trauma for personal reasons, and then on top of that, tragically losing my dearest sister, Mary, my life-long best friend, soul sister and soul mate in October 2022 , I have still not been black out drunk one single time. Considering that I struggled with this from 18 through my early 40s, this is incredibly significant for me. One of the reasons that I struggled with addictions for many years was not just due to undermethylation, but also as a result of the incredible childhood trauma of being with my older brother, Christopher, during a tragic accident where he was hit by a delivery truck while we were riding bicycles. I did not see him get hit as we were racing and he was pretty far ahead of me, but I did see him laying on the ground, moaning and his head split open with his brains spilling out and blood gushing out everywhere. This memory was so painful that I blocked it out and to this day, it is a blur and worst nightmare that still haunts me on occasion. I did not receive any therapy in my childhood since I was a good, well-behaved child, and I repressed this deeply traumatic memory for many years, not ever even talking to anyone about it. I am positive that this also contributed to my addictions and self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana starting at age 18. I began the long, healing journey through therapy starting in my late 20s at long last, and I feel that I experienced a real turning point in my childhood PTSD through EMDR therapy in 2017, although I suppose that at times there is trauma and tragedy so intense and deep that it will always be a part of our healing journey in some sense. Ironically, when I was undergoing the EMDR therapy, that is when the current trauma that I am experiencing began, which I like to refer to as the Johnson Monologues, a wild and crazy ride and story for a rainy day (or hurricane week!) as I already mentioned, yet it has also been also one of my most pertinent life lessons and an integral part of my healing journey as well in many ways. After losing my dearest Mary a year and a half ago now, I found myself drifting back to some old habits, although in moderation and not to excess, but still, more frequently than was healthy for my mental health and wellbeing, so at the beginning of this year, I went completely sober for the first few months of the year, and I began to practice mindfulness and group meditation with a local sangha that practices in the Thich Nhat Hahn tradition. I feel that this has been the other missing link in my life- a spiritual community and practice, mindfulness and breathing, and the mind- body connection that I likely have not truly felt since I was a nine year old girl jumping on her bike to ride up to the grocery store down the street with my older brother, Chris. My life and world changed forever that day, and I learned at a very young age about incredible suffering and pain, but also joy and happiness and healing as my brother lived for 25 years in spite of all the odds against him. I was able to purchase my property and beautiful home sweet home place in 2016 thanks to Chris in many ways, and also thanks to my dear father and thoughtful mother, and the rest of my family. I am truly blessed and so fortunate in so many ways to be gifted with these silver linings and incredible opportunities as a result of the intense trauma and tragedy that I have endured. So many people suffer incredible trauma and do not ever receive any gifts from the universe, so I count my blessings every single day (well, I try my best although I do have my forgetful moments since I am only human). Losing my Mary on top of everything else that I have endured the past decade and my whole life, honestly, really sent me reeling and into a deep, dark depression the past year, but thanks to the many tools that I have discovered in the past decade- the nutrient protocol, the EMDR, mindfulness and breathing, and nature immersion, I feel that I am now probably in the best headspace, time and place in my life thus far in most ways. My mind feels clearer than it has ever been, and my heart feels open and full of love for myself and for life. I have dreams and visions of a future filled with landscape management, a small native flora nursery, woodworking on the side, permaculture/ homesteading and oil painting on occasion. As I say to myself every day in the tradition of Thay as I do walking meditation on the trail that I made around the perimeter of my beautiful property, “I have arrived. I am home. In the here and the now. I am solid. I am free. In the Ultimate I dwell.” Thank you to the Universe, Mother Earth, Father Time, my family, especially Chris, Dad & Mary (RIP III), Francine Shapiro, PhD (founder of EMDR), Dr William Walsh, Rosalyn and Jimmy Carter, Eleanor Roosevelt, Bryan Stevenson, Thich Nhat Hahn, and Tuscawilla. Thank you so much for reading and for caring. Love you. Love, me Comments are closed.
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May 2024
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